Dude
by anuminis
Summary: A really, really unusual case for our CSIs, will they solve it or are they going to fail? Crackfic


**Author's note: Well, what can I say it's the stupidest story you'll ever read. Inspired by this and a comment someone made in Loco Motives, if I remember it right. Don't try to read to much in it lol but you can say that it has an underlining criticism in it regarding ttb handling of the show this season and the season before and the season before that. By the way I'm really shocked to hear that Las Vegas has no train station! Just assume for this fic that it has one. **

--

It was a calm night in the city of Las Vegas

It was a calm night in the city of Las Vegas. No robbery, no rape, no murder -- no crime at all. Ever since Hillary Clinton became President of the United States of America the crime rate had dropped 100 percent. Some say she put something into the water, others say she did something to the radio and TV. Anyhow, it was calm that night.

The Vegas lab once famous for its good work and solving rate was now nothing more than a big playground for geeks. It was still home to the graveyard shift and they still got the same money they did when crime was popular, but now they sat bored out of their minds in the break room talking about the weather, sports and the newest fashion crimes, as they were the only crimes now. They'd quit betting if there might be a job for them tonight. Nick and Warrick played chess as Grissom burst into the room, excited.

--

"Checkmate," Nick said as he dropped the jumper. Warrick groaned. "That was victory number 231," Nick said with no enthusiasm.

"Hey guys." Grissom said cheerfully. "We got a case!"

Everybody's head snapped up. "Cheers," Greg said as he jumped up, rubbing his hands. "What is it?" Nick wanted to know, eager to get started, but Grissom said nothing as he was already walking out of the room.

--

As the whole team arrived at the scene, Brass and Sofia were already waiting for them.

"Hey," Brass greeted them, unenthusiastic. Sofia only nodded her head. They were standing on one of the platforms at Las Vegas main station. The scene was widely taped up. But something was missing.

"Where's the body?" Warrick asked looking around.

"There's no body," Brass replied.

"Okay then," Catherine started. "Where's the victim?"

"There's no victim," Brass answered, Sofia just standing behind him doing nothing but looking good.

"What the hell are we here for?," Sara snapped, starting to get angry.

Brass only pointed above him to a shattered display board. Everybody's face fell, except Grissom's. "Great isn't it? A real challenge," he said, looking for all the world like a little child ready to open presents on Christmas morning. "He's losing it," Nick mumbled to Warrick, who nodded in agreement.

"Right," Grissom started, not seeing that his CSIs were a little hesitant to do this job. "Nick you go with Brass, see if you can get some eyewitnesses." Nick just shrugged and followed Brass, who looked equally thrilled. "Warrick, see if you can find the weapon that was used for the attack." Warrick's eyebrow shot up in disbelief, but he just shrugged and got his flashlight out to search for 'the weapon'. "There must be some kind of surveillance. Greg, take Sofia with you and get it. Bring it into the lab and phone me if you got anything useful."

Greg grabbed Sofia's hand and dragged her to the railway security office. "Arch will be thrilled."

"Sara see if you get some shoeprints." Sara stared at him. This was a public area; there were hundreds of shoeprints here. But she got to work without arguing.

Meanwhile Catherine had started to search the parameter direct under the display board. "I think I found some gum," she said tweezing it and lifting it up. "Great," Grissom said as he stepped behind her. "Get it into the lab. Let's see what Wendy and Hodges can get off it." Catherine rolled her eyes, but said nothing.

--

In the meantime...

"So you say you saw someone," Brass asked as Nick blew a bubble with his own bright pink gum.

"Yes," said the Hispanic chick he was interviewing. "I saw a suspicious man that stood around."

"Can you describe him?"

"Let's see. He was average looking -- white dude." Nick's bubble exploded. "And he was chewing gum like your good looking, silent friend here." She threw Nick a suggestive look, but he only smiled.

--

Warrick walked around, not really looking for anything. He stopped as his flashlight hit a stone. Warrick kneeled down and lifted the stone up. "Hey Grissom," he said. "I think I found 'the weapon'." He showed the stone Grissom. "It looks like little glass pieces. Maybe from the display board?"

"Good. Dust it for prints and get them to Mandy. Take some of the glass pieces and let Hodge compare them," Grissom said.

"I'm on my way," said Warrick and walked away.

--

"Okay," Brass said. He was bored. "You said you saw something?"

"Yeah," a black hip hop dude answered. He looked at Brass kind of lazy wearing the newest hip hop fashion which basically meant that his short's were to big to be allowed and his cap gave him the expression that his head was like that of one of the corn heads.

"What did you see?" Brass opened his notebook whiles Nick just stared into the distance.

"A man picking something up." The guy said or better he rapped it.

"Could you see what it was?"

"A stone or something. Don't know."

"And what happened then?"

"My girlfriend arrived and I got distracted if you know what I mean," the hip hop dude grinned. Brass just rolled his eyes.

"Okay, can you describe the man you saw?"

"White dude -- average looking? Can't say, he was wearing a cap. Like him," he pointed at Nick. "And it was kind of dark over there."

"Thank you."

--

At the lab...

Greg had brought the tape to Archie who, as Greg had predicted, was more than thrilled. He snatched the tape out of Greg's hands and ran into his lab to analyse it. Now the two of them were sitting in the A/V lab surrounded by the other lab rats who were shooting jealous glares at them.

"Okay, let's see what we got," Archie said as the screen in front of them came alive. "When was the supposed attack?"

"According to Sofia it was around eleven o'clock," Greg answered. Archie hit the reverse button and rewound the tape to eleven o'clock. "The angle is shabby," he said. "And the focus is a blur, but there is your man." On the screen appeared a little figure, grey, as it was a black and white security tape. The figure bent down and lifted something up, went out of the camera radius and came back after several seconds. He took aim and threw the stone right through the display board. "Arch, turn it back," Greg asked. "Stop." The screen froze as the figure took aim. "Can you email Grissom this picture on his PDA?"

"Of course," said Archie and with some clicking and typing the picture went on its way.

--

"Work boots."

"Work boots," Brass replied, nonplussed. "And why would you know that the culprit wore work boots?"

"Because sweetheart," the guy said in a light nasal voice, "It's the first thing I look on at guys." The dude winked at Nick before he turned back to Jim. "Yours are cheap imitation of Santonis, Oxford model." Brass looked at his shoes, but said nothing.

"This guy had work boots like the boots your silent, strong companion is wearing," he said as he stripped Nick with his eyes.

"Can you describe him, aside from his shoes?"

"Oh yeah, he was a white dude, average looking."

Brass' face was blank. "Thank you."

--

"Sara you should look here for the prints," Grissom said and showed her the picture on his PDA. She looked at it and went to work. After several minutes Sara lifted a shoeprint.

"Looks like a work boot," she said. "The kind Nick always wears."

"Good, take it to the lab and see if you can get a name to that print."

--

"You say you were right there and you can't describe the guy who did it?"

"Yes detective." The Asian guy peered up at Brass through huge glasses.

"How come?" Brass asked, annoyed, as Nick shuffled from foot to foot.

"At the moment it happened I was cleaning my glasses and as I heard the shattering I dropped them. I'm blind without my glasses."

Brass just rolled his eyes and Nick chuckled.

"Did you see someone before you took off your glasses?" Brass wanted to know.

"Yes there was this guy. White dude, average looking, that behaved strange," glasses man said.

"How strange?"

"Well, he was chewing gum, had his cap down low on his face and he looked kind of nervous and guilty. Was shuffling all the time." Brass noted it down. "And I remember that he wore a dark blue jacket. Like your friend here," he pointed at Nick.

"Thank you."

--

Grissom walked around, looking hither and thither at the stairs of the platform. Something caught his eye. He tweezed it and took a closer look. "A dark fibre!" Bagging it, he took a last look around and headed back to the lab.

--

Catherine stopped at the reception desk to check her messages before she made her way into lab. Wendy was no where to be seen, in the DNA lab, so she walked towards trace, but Hodges wasn't there either. "Damn it, where are they?" Catherine cursed and went looking for them. She got lucky in front of the A/V lab. "There you are," she said, annoyed and irritated. All the lab rats looked at her hopefully. "Wendy, Hodges, you come with me," Catherine ordered. "See you around," Hodges sneered at Mandy, Bobby and Henry. All of them stared daggers at Hodges receding back.

"Okay, Wendy see if you get some DNA out of this," Catherine hold the gum up. "And you Hodges take that thing apart. I want to know everything. Even the flavour! Clear?" They nodded and went to work. Catherine headed into the break room to make herself a coffee.

--

Elsewhere:

Nick and Brass were sitting at a café drinking coffee and talking about 'the case'.

"Well what you get out of those accounts?" Brass asked Nick.

"Hm… that it was a average looking, white dude?" He could barely hold back his grin.

"Ha ha," Brass laughed, dry. "You know back when we were actually a working lab, I thought eyewitnesses couldn't get any worse. I was wrong."

"Well let's see it from this point. Nobody died or suffered," Nick said earnestly.

"Yeah kiddo, that's something. You know, I don't see the point in this," Brass said, frustrated. "I mean, we're homicide and we're playing around with stupid cases like this."

"Occupational therapy," said Nick, taking a sip of his coffee. Brass just shook his head.

--

Warrick arrived at the lab and went straight into the break room. First things first, he thought as he poured himself freshly brewed coffee. "And did you get the 'murder weapon'?" Catherine asked with a grin.

"You bet," he said and showed her the bagged stone.

"Uh." Catherine mocked awe. "If you want that thing dusted for prints; Mandy is at the A/V lab, or at least she was there when I looked for the DNA techs."

"Thanks," Warrick said and sipped at his coffee.

"Did you have plans after shift?" he asked.

"No," came Catherine's short, but hopeful answer.

"Wanna grab some breakfast?"

"Sure." Her eyes lit up and Warrick hid his smile behind his coffee cup.

"Then I'll go find Mandy, see if she get some prints off that 'weapon'."

Mandy was right there were Catherine had left her, in the A/V lab talking to Bobby and Henry. "Oh Mandy…" Warrick sing-songed and her head snapped towards him.

"Say you got something for me," Mandy said with despair in her voice.

"I have," Warrick answered with a smile.

Mandy hugged him. "Thank god. I thought I might die of boredom."

"Nothing for us?" Henry asked, miserable.

"No, I'm afraid not. There weren't any drugs involved."

"Damn it," Henry said, disappointed.

"But that's a projectile, right?" Bobby spoke up. "Can I have it?"

Warrick looked at Bobby with pity in his eyes. "After Mandy dusted it, sure why not?" He said, just to cheer the guy up.

"Great." Bobby rubbed his hands together. "Let's get to work." He grabbed Mandy and they practically skipped out the door.

"Sorry man," Warrick said, as he saw Henry's crestfallen face.

--

Nick and Brass made it to the PD, where they informed Sofia of the results of the interviews.

"White dude, average looking. That kind of narrows it down." She feigned seriousness.

"Yeah," Nick said with a frown, following her lead.

Brass just shrugged. "I'll call Grissom. Let's see what he got."

--

Back at the lab Sara got straight to work on her shoe prints. She scanned them and waited for limbic, the identification system, to give her a brand and size.

--

"Gil? It's Jim. What you got for me?" Brass spoke into his cell while Nick and Sofia stood by. "Okay, see you at the lab."

"What did he say?" Nick wanted to know.

"He got a dark blue fibre," Brass replied. "And we should meet him at the lab."

--

As Grissom arrived at the lab he was immediately spotted by Hodges. "Boss," he said, and for the first time that night Grissom's mood fell. "The bubblegum you've found was cherry gum, the same Nick always chews. Nothing special."

"Why aren't you telling that Catherine?" Grissom asked, unnerved by Hodges' presence.

"Can't find her." They both stood in front of the break room were Catherine still sipped her coffee. Grissom looked at her through the glass wall. Hodges followed his gaze and started to smile. "Why Catherine! I've been looking for you. I've got your report for that gum you found."

Grissom left them and walked towards the trace lab. He put the fibre under the microscope. It looked like polyester. After some experiments, it was still polyester, polyester coloured navy blue to be precise. Grissom grabbed his results and left the lab before Hodges came back. He wanted to call a meeting.

--

"We should ask Ecklie for a bigger table and more chairs," Nick said as he squeezed himself into the break room. All the CSIs and every single lab rat, except for Wendy and Mandy, were already there.

Grissom overheard him. "Okay guys, the case is clear. What have we got?" He looked at Catherine. Putting her glasses on she looked down her files.

"The gum I found was plain cherry bubble gum, no clue as to what our suspect might have had for dinner. Wendy's still processing the DNA."

"Okay, next?"

"The stone I found was definitely 'the weapon' used to smash that display board. It has tiny pieces of glass on it; Hodges matched them to our 'victim'. There were fingerprints on it, but Mandy is still running them through AFIS." Warrick said and looked down his papers.

"The shoeprints I found, thanks to Greg and Archie," Sara spoke up, "are Timberlake work boots, size 11." Grissom nodded and made a note, then looked at Nick, Brass and Sofia.

"Nick?"

"Well, according to eyewitness accounts our culprit was a average looking white dude." everyone in the room groaned. "He's wearing a cap, like I do, chewed gum like I do, wears my work boots and my dark blue jacket. You'd think I did it," he said and smiled. When everyone started to laugh, his smile vanished.

"So everything we found is confirmed by our eyewitness, and it also coincides with the dark blue fibre I found at the scene," Grissom said. He was looking excited. At that moment Mandy and Wendy bust into the room, or tried to, but there was no space left.

"I got a hit," both chorused and then looked at each other. "You first," they chorused again. Mandy took the initiative. "Okay, prints came back as Brian Kein." "That's my guy, too." Wendy said excited. "He's in CODIS for a B&E he'd done last year." Brass and Sofia were already struggling to get out of the room. "We bring him in," said Brass over his shoulder.

--

Brian Kein was an average looking, white dude in every meaning of the words. He sat at the table in the interrogation room wearing Timberlake work boots, jeans and a navy blue jacket that matched his cap under which showed some brown hair. As Grissom took his appearance in, the guy blew a large, cherry-scented bubble. As Brass entered it burst and Grissom could see some delight in his hazel brown eyes. "So Brian, tell me. Were where you around 10 o'clock last night?" Brass started.

"Don't know," said Brian, and blew another bubble.

"Oh, but I think I know where you were. You see my two silent friends here," he indicated Catherine and Grissom, "Found evidence that you were on platform one at Las Vegas main station smashing a display board. That's vandalism; do you know what that means?"

The bubble busted and Brian's eyes showed fear. "I didn't do it, man. I swear!"

"We found your DNA and your fingerprints at the scene," Catherine said. "We also have video evidence that shows you committing the crime," She showed him a screenshot of the attack. Grissom said nothing; he simply observed Brian.

--

Behind the mirrored glass of the interrogation room stood Warrick, Sara, Greg and Nick watching the scene in front of them. "He's guilty," said Greg.

"Guilty as anyone can be! That bastard smashed an innocent display board." Sara hissed. Nick and Warrick shared meaningful glances and Warrick drew little circles around his temple with his index finger. Nick just nodded.

--

"That's not me on the picture!" Brian said his voice mixed with relief and triumph.

"Who is it then?" Brass asked. "Wait--don't tell me it's your long lost twin brother."

"No. no at the time of the attack," he tapped on the time signature, "I was in the toilet taking a pee. I couldn't have done it."

Catherine stood up. "I'll check that," she said and left the room.

"So, if you didn't do it, how come that your fingerprints are on the weapon and we found your DNA at the scene?" Grissom said in his calm, rational voice.

"Well, I do not deny that I was on that platform, but I didn't smash the display board," Brian said.

"Who did?" Brass leaned threateningly over the table. Brian gulped. "Some guy asked me to pick the stone up for him. Gave me ten bucks and gum, so I did it." He shrugged, trying to get his cool back.

Catherine came back and sat down. "Archie confirmed his alibi," she simply said.

"Tell me Brian, what did this mysterious guy look like?" Grissom asked.

"He was an average looking, white dude."

--

Grissom groaned. He stood in one of the layout rooms all evidence spread out in front of him, now expanded with the ten dollar bill and the gum packet the culprit had given Brian. But nothing had come of them; two more dead ends. He really believed that this was going to be an easy case, but now they had nothing and one of his memorable migraines was starting to spread. They clearly missed something. But what?

Grissom took up the close ups Archie had made. There was Brian picking up the stone; he then went out of the camera angle and back came their culprit, smashing the display board. He groaned again; they really looked like twins. Did this mean that the culprit had chosen Brian out of all the passengers on the platform because he looked like him, or had he planned all this in advance, wearing the exact same outfit as Brian? But that meant that he had to observe Brian, to know what he would wear that night! Or was it all just coincidence? Grissom didn't believe in coincidence.

Nick entered the room at that moment. "Hey Griss, got something new?"

Grissom looked up. Seeing Nick smiling at him made his migraine fade away. "No," said he. "I really don't get it. Why aren't there any other prints on that stone besides Brian's? I mean look at the picture, he clearly wears no gloves."

Nick shrugged. "Maybe he had dry hands, there is no guarantee a fingerprint is left behind on a stone or any other surface. There are too many factors that would affect it."

"You're probably right, but we should at least find some smudges on it." Grissom sighed.

"Maybe there are other things on it? Any substance aside from the glass that shouldn't belong there?" Nick asked.

"Well Hodges found glue," Grissom said holding the stone up.

"Then you got your answer why the culprit didn't leave any prints." Nick smiled. "He glued his fingers."

Grissom looked at him bewildered, then it dawned him. "You mean he glued his fingers to prevent eventual fingerprints?"

"Yeah. You see, a small film of glue is as good as any glove. It fills the papillae; so no fingerprints." He smiled again and rubbed his fingers together.

"Clever," said Grissom, and Nick's eyes twinkled. "But that won't help us unless we find a suspect to see if he has glue on his hands."

Nick shrugged. "That's true." He looked at his clock. "It's nearly 6 am. Do you want to grab some coffee? Might help you," he added.

"Sure," Grissom answered. "Just give me a couple minutes. I have the strange feeling that I overlooked another clue."

Nick nodded and left the layout room. Grissom sighed. He took the pictures and looked closer, willing them to tell him their secret. And then it hit him. With a victorious gleam in his eyes he made his way to the break room.

--

It was a cool morning in Las Vegas although it promised to be a hot day. The CSI team accompanied by Brass and Sofia were standing on the Las Vegas main station platform facing the crime scene they had searched bare hours before. Grissom had summoned them there; he wanted to re-create the crime.

"Okay, guys, let's put this case to an end," he said and rubbed his hands together.

"How?" Warrick wanted to know. He was all for it, the sooner they solved the case, the sooner he could go out with Catherine.

Grissom grinned, his eyes twinkling mischievously. "Our culprit was clever, really." He looked at his CSIs who were all at a loss, but for Nick who had a smug smile on his face. "He thought of everything," Grissom paused, indicating a 'but', "and he was even fortunate that the guy he chose to pick up the stone looked almost exactly like him. Almost!" Everybody looked expectantly at him.

"Warrick, could you please grab a stone and come over here?" Grissom showed him were he wanted him. Warrick did what he was told and found himself at the exact same spot the culprit had been when he threw the stone through the display board. "If you would be so kind and throw the stone through this display board?" Grissom asked, and smiled with child-like glee. Warrick just shrugged, took aim and threw the stone like the culprit had. The display board shattered and everybody flinched at the sound, glass was falling from above like snow. "Good, Warrick. Catherine, please."

Catherine grabbed a stone and walked over to another display board that was hanging right next to the one Warrick had smashed. Getting the idea what Grissom wanted from her she took aim and threw the stone. She didn't hit the centre of the board like Warrick had, but took a fair-sized piece out of the corner of it. "Thank you," said Grissom and turned to the rest of his team.

"Now you can see that Warrick hit Clark county whilst Catherine hit Greenway. That means based on the heights of Warrick and Catherine our man must be 5'10"." He looked at Nick. "Nick, show me your hands," Grissom commanded Nick strolled towards him with his hands in his pockets. He grinned as he showed his hands to Grissom who took them in his own to have a closer look. There were definitely traces of glue on them. Grissom looked expectantly at Nick, who just shrugged. "Sorry. I was bored."


End file.
